Angela Fang
One afternoon, I came home from school to my mom crying in our living room over tea with a Jehova Witness she had welcomed into our house. I remember her turning to me, with teary eyes saying, “I want you to have a faith that I never had.” She was hungry and desperate, longing to find purpose and meaning in her life and to pass that on to me, even if she didn’t know what that looked like herself. This marked the beginning of a journey of seeking. Looking back, it’s incredible that the Lord used a Jehova Witness to spark this curiosity and set us on a path to search for truth, which eventually led us to a Chinese bible study hosted by a family friend in their home.
I didn’t grow up in any faith. If anything, I only remember our family very occasionally practicing Buddhist traditions that were rooted in Chinese culture but only felt empty and religious – never truly transforming the way we lived our lives. Yet I remember one day looking out the window at the sky in awe, when I was a little girl, talking to God. It’s like my heart already knew the truth. It’s like I had a subconscious awareness that He saw me and knew everything about me.
Fast forward to my sophomore year of high school, my mom heard through a friend about this youth group at a local church near our home. She dropped me off that night, and I walked in not knowing anyone and with no idea what to expect. During worship, the Holy Spirit moved me to tears. I fell to my knees at the altar, overwhelmed by His love. I was sitting in the tension of a strained relationship with my earthly father at the time yet experiencing the lavish love of my heavenly Father. Each week, I would sit at the dinner table with my parents and eagerly share what I had learned about Jesus with so much excitement. My parents were curious, what had changed? What sparked such passion? God had begun the process of breaking my heart for others and taking my eyes off myself. And it made my heart come alive. Come college, my parents put their faith in Jesus and got baptized in the Jordan River together. A whole family redeemed. God is good.
There have been way too many times I’ve chosen my own way out of my own pride. When I’ve run away from God and chased after everything this world tells us will satisfy and bring fulfillment but has only left me feeling more empty. In the midst of living in sexual sin and self-condemnation, wrestling with identity and purpose, and idolizing achievements and image, Jesus saw everything and still sought after me. I remember reluctantly going back to church for the first time in years with my mom after a season of straying away (really, I was trying to hide from my shame), and the Lord met me so tangibly in worship. ‘O Come to the Altar’ came on, and I was wrecked. He re-softened my heart which had grown hard and whispered, “Return to your first love.”
Are you hurting and broken within?
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin?
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself
Do you thirst for a drink from the well?
Jesus is calling
O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ
Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today there's no reason to wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes a new life is born
Jesus is calling
Convicted and repentant, I made the decision to return to Jesus wholly and felt all of my burdens lifted. I felt light. He brought back to life what was dead and dormant. He was no longer a priority in my life; He became my whole life. I left an unhealthy relationship and started back at square one. As my heart grew more tender, hungry, and desperate, I began to encounter the Lord in new ways. In a season of unemployment, losing my dog, and a painful breakup, I clung to God. I soaked in His word every morning for hours and began a journey of healing.
In my family room one afternoon, the Holy Spirit came upon me in power, and I was baptized in the Spirit for the first time. I began speaking in tongues and felt an immense heat come over me as I began weeping uncontrollably. I also began to see visions during this season, with two particularly standing out: one during worship of Jesus catching every tear I’ve shed in a jar (I didn’t realize this was a verse until I came across Psalm 56:8 about a month later), and one of Him washing the dirt off of me as I was wearing a wedding dress (He told me I was His bride, and He was washing me clean). Fast forward a few months, I attended a revival night service and went up for prayer. As the pastor prayed over me, I could feel the weight and presence of the Holy Spirit so strongly, I was slain in the Spirit for the first time and had absolutely no idea what that even meant or was. I just remember feeling dumbfounded but open to receiving the Holy Spirit however He wanted to move, no matter what that looked like.
I realized that the Father always extends an invitation for us to return to Him. That repentance is actually a never-ending process of posturing our hearts to pray, “Your will be done, not mine.”
He extends an invitation for us to come and see, to sit at the table and commune with Him. To enjoy the fullness of His love, joy, and peace. He’s relatable, patient, humble, so kind, and fiercely just. He gives us the choice to freely pursue Him or run away, and yet He never stops going after the one every chance He gets. His perspective is higher than ours; He sees His calling and will over our lives. I still can’t believe we have access to His heart, to Heaven while on Earth, and that we have the honor to partner with Him in a mission larger than ourselves.
We all crave to know and be known. Fully, intimately, wholly. We want to be accepted and embraced for all of our quirks and in all of our brokenness. No one knows me more than Jesus. He knows my every thought and breath, and all of the deepest desires of my heart. He knows my heart even when I think I can hide. Everything is exposed before His eyes, and He welcomes it all. It brings Him pleasure when I lay my cares before Him. He’s a loving Father who has extended undeserved mercy and grace over my life, which allows me to testify to his faithfulness and goodness witnessed over time. Best of all, He will disrupt my comfort to invite greater opportunity for intimacy with Him.
