Allison Ngo Griffin
I remember having my first panic attack in front of the Chick-fil-A at my college and waking up in the hospital in 2012. The doctor came up and asked, “Ma’am, when is the last time you’ve eaten?” I said, “I don’t, I don’t remember.” He responded, “Well, you’re 88 pounds right now and you’re on the verge of heart failure. Whatever you’re doing, it’s killing you.” He diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder and started putting me on all these medications. I immediately started working with a team of doctors, nurses, a psychiatrist, therapist, counselor, dietician, and nutritionist to get my life and health back on track. With all of the treatments, you would have thought my mental health would have improved… but it got worse. The suicidal thoughts kept occurring more and more and more. I had 2 attempts in college and my parents thought it was best to medically drop out for a semester. Although I grew up as the granddaughter of 2 prominent Buddhist monks in Houston, cultural Christianity was all around me. It crossed my mind a few times where I almost turned to the Lord but instead, I ended up blaming my depression on the cultural expectations my Asian family. I was determined that I needed to take a hold of MY own life and gave into the message of self-love, self-help, and self-medication. I partook of anything life had to offer, whether it be through drugs, alcohol, or men to numb the pain. I came back that next semester with a 4.0 and patted myself on the back. I jumped into my career in politics and thought, “I did it. I beat this thing.”
Finally in 2015, my depression snowballed again when I was working at the Texas House of Representatives. Everything on the outside seemed to be in tip top shape, but inside… I was crumbling. One day in May, I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed a bottle of pills and ran to the Capitol bathroom. I started screaming out to God and said, “God… if you are real… and you’re as good as everyone says You are, reveal Yourself to me. Because if not, this life is not worth living.” At that moment, His presence filled the bathroom and I met Jesus that day. He gave me my first vision and what my life could look like if I followed Him. I can’t remember every detail other than it was so pure, holy, bright, and full of peace. As I was sitting on the bathroom floor with a bottle of pills in my hand, it was the complete contrast of what my life was currently. Jesus wasn’t offering a life void of hardship and suffering, but a life of assurance, faith, hope, peace, and love even in the midst of that. I said yes to Him that very next day.
The world may say today, “good for you for getting your life back together.” The most ironic thing is, I found my life the minute I surrendered it to a man named Jesus. So why Jesus? Because in 2015, He became my deliverer and my salvation. Since then, He has also become my bridegroom, comforter, advocate, intercessor, brother, empathizer, healer, corrector, king, wonderful counselor, and deepest friend.
