Matthew Bacchus
It’s tempting for me to say that all roads lead to Heaven. I think because I see the value in trusting and admiring something that is bigger than the human condition. I respect and honor people who trust in a higher power to guide them because it honestly makes sense that we can’t do all of life on our own. I remember going through a sexaholics anonymous group therapy session and the counselor said that we needed to pray to something or someone that is greater than ourselves if we wanted to change – he didn’t care who it was. He knew that we can’t fight our demons on our own.
If I’m being completely honest, I wrestle with the belief and reality of Jesus all the time, yet my heart still seems to be reaching for that hem off His robe multiple times a day. I resonate well with that man before Jesus when he says, “I believe, help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24) An imperative cry of falling in and out of love.
Coming out of a Christian university I started to let go of all the theology and belief in the Bible and started to search for another answer. For close to 6 months, I started to research Buddhism and Hare Krishna teachings. A few of my friends in the straight edge hardcore scene lived that lifestyle and it just seemed to be very peaceful. However, I kept coming back to the ideas that Buddha had talked about which was to find my own truth. To become enlightened. I couldn’t help but think that I was seeking Buddha for truth because I, myself, could not find it. However, I was reminded over and over of Jesus saying “I am the Truth”. It was so ballsy of Jesus to even speak that statement, whereas I saw all these other gods and teachers telling me just to go out here and find it. It had my mind and heart thinking.
I choose Jesus because He has let me be real with him. I question His existence in bad situations so much. I internally grapple with arguments I present to Him. I cuss Him out. I show my frustration to Him by purposely doing what I’m not supposed to…and yet. He is patient. He is present. He understands. He allows me to do all of that. He protects me. He comes to MY level. He loves me where I’m at, BUT He does not keep me where I’m at. His Word is true when it says that His kindness brings us to repentance. (Romans 2:4)
Through all that shit that I go through sometimes, I see myself becoming refined. Growing in stature and intellect. Understanding His creation better. Trusting in not only Him but in myself. I am able to love myself because of Him. I slowly, but hopefully, pursue life more - this path becomes straighter. The darkness becomes lighter. The shame becomes a bridge rather than a barrier. And I become who I really wanted to be…myself. That’s why I follow Jesus.
