Brian Welch
You know the feeling. I think everyone does. It is that ashamed feeling you get when you first wake up. Or sometimes it happens in the car, alone, when the music has stopped and the only noise is your own head, judging you, reviewing all your wrongs. That haunting little voice that says “you suck” or “you did that thing wrong.” What is that?! I hate it. HATE it! And I have spent so much time trying to ignore it, overcome it, mind-over-matter it, numb it, drown it out. Sometimes we will be brave and talk about it. Admit the existence of that omnipresent sensation of guilt. But usually, I am ashamed to acknowledge it. Some people call it the inner critic. Some call it inner demons. And I can’t figure out its function. Is it supposed to be there for self-improvement? Or to keep me safe? How is my life better for having this whispering weight? I have never mustered up a will that is strong enough to stomp it out. I need something stronger than me, more powerful than my own animus.
When I encountered Jesus, it all changed. I stopped experiencing the shame. The voice of guilt I woke up with every morning was gone. GONE. I woke up and I didn’t feel bad and I didn’t feel good. I just felt me. I felt like what I was meant to feel like. The ecstasy of feeling myself bubbles into joy. Still does. Amazing! What a wild thing I discovered! For the first time in my life, I didn’t need to have a distraction or an objective. I could just close my eyes, shut my mouth and feel who I am. Peace.
I always had a certain picture of peace in my head. It looked like a guru sitting cross legged on a mountain with clear air and only the sounds of nature. As the guru closes his eyes in perfect concentration, he manages a moment of peace – true peace… until a fly lands on his face. Peace gone! Like trying to balance a marble on a needle point. But this is not what I experienced. If some thought or circumstance came to ruin my peace, it would fight back. And I would return to my place of peace. Like a marble rolling back to the bottom of a bowl. Wow. The only explanation I have for this type of peace is what the bible says.
“the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4.7)
The day I encountered Jesus and entered into peace was the day I repented to Jesus. It was the day I gave up trying to fix all the problems I knew I had, and continually failed to fix. Stuff I had hidden from everyone. Stuff I couldn’t trick myself into ignoring. I confessed it all and asked Jesus for forgiveness. I remember that day well. It was the worst day of my life because I admitted to God (and my parents) everything. And it was the best day of my life because I entered into a radical spiritual freedom that I never knew possible. A freedom that was so potent, I couldn’t stay away. I didn’t have to earn it, work up to it or prove my worth. I just gave up and asked. That’s why Jesus.
