Alyse Andrews

I grew up in a Christian household. My dad was even a pastor. But when he left and tore our family apart when I was 9, I knew I had two choices: blame God for what was happening, or run to Him. I decided to run to Him—how else would I get through my world being ripped apart?

As I ran towards Him, I fell more in love with Him. He wooed me with his consistency, He won me with His love. I learned to allow the hard moments in life to push me deeper into Him. 

At 22 I became very sick and spent the next twelve years in the prison of chronic illness. I begged for healing, I cried, I was baffled, I was angry. I know He heals, so why was I continuing to suffer? The temptation to walk away came. Why was I so devoted to Him? But I couldn’t. Leaving Him was beyond me—I am too in love. Where would I go without Him? There is only one explanation for this adoration: I was born to love Him. 

I don’t deserve Him. I am unworthy of His love, I fall short in comparison to His goodness and grace. But He keeps coming after me. Over and over. In the depths of the pit He whispers, “Will you come closer? Will you let go? Will you come deeper? Will you trust me?” So often I don’t want to—I don’t want to let go. I don’t trust Him, I refuse to release my grip. And yet, I’ve found the depth of my intimacy with Him, the fullness of all He has for me, is in direct proportion to my willingness to surrender. 

How can I ever say no? He already surrendered His will to the Father in obedience to dying on the cross to give me life. How do I say no when He has already said the Ultimate “yes” for me? “Not my will Lord, but your will be done.” (Luke 22:44)

And so new levels of surrender come. New challenges, new discomforts. And the Lord whispers, “How about now? Will you say yes to me here?” I hope my answer is never “no”: I want all of Him. 

Why Jesus? Because He is what my heart longs for. His kindness is overwhelming. His steadiness, baffling. His grace and patience leave me awe-struck. I will never be satisfied apart from Him. I was created to love Him. In short, I love Him because He loved me first. (1 John 4:19)